


i’d catch a grenade for you (even if it’s the last thing i’ll ever do)

by justanotherjulia



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Character Death, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Sleepy Bois Inc Angst, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, So much angst, Toby Smith | Tubbo-centric, give these boys some happiness please, theyre children for fucks sake, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28667505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanotherjulia/pseuds/justanotherjulia
Summary: Tubbo would do anything to save Tommy. Anything. Even if his former best friend hated him.or Tubbo jumped in front of the rocket during the fighting for L’manburg stream and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 36
Kudos: 324





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao my biggest flex of 2021 is that i watched an attempted coup and people fight for their country at the same time, live tweeted it all, and then went through the tweets the next day not knowing which were talking about which. but seriously though, someone send america help because we need it
> 
> hey! here’s the playlist of songs that i listened to while writing this story if you want to listen to it :)  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JNDiZbgWhSInewT0HZBVP?si=PlS9h24DSn-ywA5IxC-low 

Fire was consuming Tubbo from the inside out. The all too familiar feeling brought comfort when it once brought pain. 

———

“Tubbo the discs, the discs were worth more than you ever were.” Tubbos heart felt like it was being torn out of his body.

“What? Huh?” Confusion and pain filled the young president watching as his once best friend calmed down a little after realizing what he just said. 

Everyone was staring down at the two teens, who would once do anything for each other, stare at each other in silence. Everyone was waiting with baited breath to see what would happen next. They watched as Tubbo handed Dream the disc at Tommys request. They watched as Tubbo curled into himself as Dream told him how shitty of a president he was. 

He really tried not to cry. He’s been called stupid, idiotic, and gullible so many times so it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, but it does. At some point Tubbo stopped listening. He tries to reason with himself that Tommy didn’t mean it, that it was a spur of the moment thing. That Dream didn’t really think he was just some dumb kid who failed his country that he would do anything to save. He wonders how long they’ve been holding it in. 

He wonders if that’s what everyone else though of him as too. If he really was as terrible of a friend and president as Tommy and Dream were saying. Tubbo really just wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from the world, but he had to be strong for L’manburg and if he can’t do anything else right, he’ll try to stand up for his country correctly.

———

“I’m choosing what I fight for now, and I’m going to destroy the government Tommy. You all die. It’s gone.” Technoblade yells as he holds out his rocket launcher, Phil laughing and egging him on. 

——— 

It’s been a few hours since Dream and Techno teamed up. It’s been a few hours since everyone banded together in order to take down the tyrants and had agreed on who was gathering which resources. It’s been a few hours since Tommy had pulled him away to talk, only to tell him that he couldn’t handle it and walked away. 

Tubbo found himself sitting on the roof of his house on the docks looking over the horizon. The sun was setting and he just sat and watched it, basking in the peacefulness of it all. He had wanted to be the peaceful, diplomatic president that L’manburg deserved but somewhere along the line he strayed from that. Whether it was pressure from his cabinet or from Dream, he was always backed into a corner with no way out.

Tubbo didn’t even want to be president in the first place, yet here he was at 17 running a country on top of a crater. Maybe Dream was right. He did let his cabinet push him around and talk over him, but how was he supposed to know what being a good president looked like? The two presidents before him weren’t exactly role models.

At some point he heard footsteps coming from behind him and he looked over to see Ranboo sitting down next to him. Tubbo leaned his head on his friends shoulder and the two sat in a peaceful silence. 

When Tubbo exiled his loud boisterous best friend, he took solace in his and Ranboos friendship. They always worked well together and had similar personalities. He confided in him and trusted him. Even with all the events that had happened earlier, Ranboo never lost that trust. Not after all he had done to help Tubbo with his depressive episodes or the times where he felt unworthy of being president. Tubbo saw Ranboo almost as an older brother, and it was nice to have one that still cared.

“For as long as I have a say in it, you will not be executed or harmed in any way because of that book. You are not a traitor. I understand being loyal to people and not a team. I used to be the same way, but somewhere that changed. Never change Ranboo.” The president looked up at a wide eyed Ranboo, his face filled with confusion.

“Thank you Tubbo.”

The two feel asleep on the rooftop, Tommy watching the pair from the roof of Jacks house. 

——— 

Tubbo didn’t even realize that he jumped when he saw the rocket launcher that once took his life, the rocket launcher that plagued his nightmares, pointed at his best friend.

———  
“No, surely not.” Tubbo crumbles to the ground.

He had decided to take another trip to see Tommy after their failed butcher army plot. It had been a week since he’d last seen him and he figured he would go and see him. Tommy never knew that Tubbo came and visited, Tubbo always sticking to the shadows not wanting to find out if his best friend hated him. He figured that he would try to talk to him this time. As much as he loved talking with Ranboo, it would never be the same.

Tubbo’s mind was a mess of emotions as he looked around the camp only to find it blown up, no Tommy in sight.

“Tommy! This isn’t funny! Where are you?” Tubbo yelled looking around. That’s when he saw it.

Tubbo ran over to the big crater where Ghostburs house once stood, only to see a one block wide dirt tower reaching into the clouds. He stumbled into the crater and there was all of Tommys things but no Tommy. In the pile of his things, Tubbo saw a shining compass. He carefully picked up the compass, opening it to see a picture of him and Tommy in front of L’manburgs original walls captioned Your Tubbo.

“No, surely not.” There was no way that Tommy had died. Absolutely no way. He seemed just fine a week ago. What had changed since then? Tubbo pulled out his communicator and sent a message over the global chat.

_We need to have a funeral._

Within seconds, he was getting concerned responses, but he just turned his com off and put it away. He sat against the pillar and cried for what seemed like ages, the rainy weather matching his mood. It seemed like the world was mourning with him. 

Tubbo had no idea what had changed since he last saw his friend, but obviously something drastic enough to for him to take his own life. Tubbo felt that he was at fault for it. If he hadn’t exiled Tommy than he would’ve been able to keep tabs on him. Maybe Tommy wouldn’t have even felt the need to die in the first place. Tubbo just couldn’t understand it for the life of him, but he had convinced himself that it was his own fault, for who else’s could it be?

Tubbo registered arms wrapping around him but he didn’t even care to check to see who it was. His best friend was gone and who was he to blame but himself. Eventually, Tubbo looked to his right to see that Ranboo was the one who came to his aid. He hugged back like his life depended on it. 

“I am so, so sorry Tubbo. We need to get you back home okay?” Tubbo just gripped Ranboo tighter as he let him teleport them back to L’manburg, Your Tubbo clutched tightly in his left hand.

——— 

“Tubbo!” 

——— 

“Mr. President, we have a hostage situation.” 

“Jesus, what’s happened Ranboo.” Tubbo rubbed the sleep away from his eyes as he looked up at his minutes man that ended up as more of his right hand man. 

“I – This is going to be really shocking and I don’t even know if I’ve processed this yet, but Tommy is alive. Tommy is alive and he’s holding Connor hostage with the help of Technoblade.” 

Tubbos world stops and he feels his heart start racing. All of a sudden he can’t breathe and he barely registers that he’s crying until Ranboo is right next to him trying to calm him down. There is absolutely no way Tommy is alive. He saw his items scattered across the ground with no body. That’s what a final death looks like. Tubbo clutches his heart as if that will save it from shattering all over again. 

Tubbo looked over at the Your Tubbo compass on his desk, the thing never leaving his sight, grabbing it and putting it in his pocket. Once he’s calmed down, he stands up and straightens out his suit jacket, ready (not even close to ready) to deal with the situation. 

Ranboo and Tubbo walk down the paths of L’manburg, the walk feeling like an eternity even though it was just a few minutes. When Tubbo saw Technoblade in the distance he had to force himself to keep walking. He was the president for gods sake, he couldn’t show fear in the middle of a hostage situation. Still, the young president grabbed for Ranboos hand, the minutes man looking down at him and giving Tubbos hand a reassuring squeeze.

The two reach Technoblade and sure enough, there was Tommy. Tubbo had no idea what to say, what to do, at the sight of his dead (not dead, very much alive, his brain supplied) best friend. Tommy was standing right in front of him and all he could do was stare. 

“How? I’m so confused. How are you alive?”

“Hello Tubbo. Where have you been? Remember when you exiled me?”

“Yeah, I also remember when you died.” 

“We’ve taken a hostage Tubbo, and we’re going to kill Connor if you don’t give me at least some of my items back.” Techno speaks up. Tubbos fight or flight instincts kick in and he wants to run. Ranboo squeezes his hand again, trying to ground him. It only slightly works.

“Wait, and Tommy, you’re with Technoblade?”

“Yeah, I am. You exiled me Tubbo. You left me no choice. You didn’t even come to my beach party, let alone come to visit me.” 

“I did visit you! Dream told me that you didn’t want me there. He said you hated me. And what beach party?”

“Oh piss off with that bullshit. Dream said he handed you an invitation and that you threw it back at him.”

“I didn’t get an invite to any beach party Tommy! I didn’t even know you had a beach party until just now.”

“Yeah, well what about the fact that you burnt the compass.”

“What do you mean I burnt the compass?” Tubbo heard Techno trying to steer the conversation back to the whole hostage situation, but Tubbo needed answers. 

“Dream said that when you two were hanging out together, that you threw your compass into a pit of lava.” Tommy presses forward, Tubbo taking a slight step back. He felt suffocated.

“I never burnt the compass. Ranboo can even vouch. I never even hung out with Dream.”

“Well do you have the compass now?” Tubbo couldn’t say he did. He didn’t have the compass, not because he didn’t want it, but because it had blown up. “Uh huh. Just as I thought.”

“The compass was blown up Tommy.” Ranboo spoke up. “Fundy, Tubbo and I were going mob head hunting in a storm and Tubbo refused to let the thing go, always making sure it was in pocket. He fell off one of the ledges in his ocean hole, the compass falling out of his pocket, as Fundy blew up a charged creeper. Tubbo wouldn’t talk to Fundy for days after.”

“Whatever Ranboo. He still doesn’t have it anymore.” Tommy rolled his eyes.

“It’s not like you have yours anymore either!” Tubbo yelled. 

“Guys, can we get back to the fact that I’m about to kill Connor in the next minute if I don’t get some of my stuff back? Preferably the rocket launcher and like a pick axe or something.” Techno shouted over the two boys yelling. 

Tubbo looked over at Ranboo and nodded. “Go get his things Ranboo.”

Ranboo took out his trident and flew to where they were keeping Technoblades things. The three waited in silence for Ranboo to return, Connor cheering at the fact that he would finally be let go. Tubbo wonders how long the two had kept Connor hostage. He mentally makes a note to go check up on him later and see if he needs a therapist. 

Ranboo finally retuned, handing Techno his things, the pig hybrid letting Connor free. Seeing Technos fingers relax on the trigger made him wonder if he was going to try and take his third life then and there, but instead he turned away and told Tommy that they needed to get out.

“Just one more thing before I go. Don’t even try to think about visiting me, okay? I don’t need you anymore.” Tommy said.

“Fine, then I don’t need this anymore.” Tubbo took Your Tubbo out of his pocket and threw it at his once best friend. Tubbo grabbed Ranboos hand again and turned around to go back home.

When they got to Ranboos house, Tubbo broke. He collapsed on the floor as sobs wracked his body from losing his friend for the second time. Only this time it wasn’t because of death, but because he wasn’t wanted.

Tubbos heart shattered for a second time that day when Ranboo came home after getting supplies for dinner, handing Your Tubbo to the president who was hiding from the world under the covers. Ranboo gave Tubbo some soup before both boys curled up in bed together, trying to take in the events of the day.

——— 

“I’m choosing what I fight for now, and I’m going to destroy the government Tommy. You all die. It’s gone.” Technoblade yells as he holds out his rocket launcher, Phil laughing and egging him on. 

Tubbo didn’t even realize that he jumped when he saw the rocket launcher that one took his life, the rocket launcher that plagued his nightmares, pointed at his best friend. All he knew is that he needed to protect his best friend. 

“Tubbo!”

Fire was consuming Tubbo from the inside out. The all to familiar feeling brought comfort when it once brought pain. Tubbo smiled when he heard Tommy yell his name. If Tubbo couldn’t survive, at least Tommy will. 

“Tubbo, we’re gonna get you out of here okay? Ranboo is coming to help. He’s gonna get us out of here.” 

“Okay Tommy.” Tubbo saw more explosions of colour in the distance, red, black and white filling his vision. Who would’ve thought that this is how he would lose his last life? He doesn’t regret a single thing. 

Tubbo notices that he and Tommy have been teleported to safety when the sky turns a nice shade of blue. He can hear Tommy and Ranboo opening chests and he feels potions being splashed on him. He knew they wouldn’t save him, but he didn’t want to ruin his friends hope.

“Hey Tommy? Keep ranboo safe for me yeah? I promised him protection. He’s an an amazing friend and I hope you two get along again.” Tubbo whispers. 

He could feel his eyes starting to close. Tubbo was so tired. He guesses that being president at 17 would do that to a person. God, he’s gone through so much in such a short amount of time. Tubbo would do anything if it meant Tommy would stay alive, even if it meant taking a firework for him a thousand times over. He wonders if he’ll end up as a ghost like Wilbur and he and Tommy can spend the rest of forever together.

“You’re gonna be okay big man. You’re not gonna die okay?”

“Okay. You’ll make a great leader Tommy. Can you tell me a story?” Tubbo asks. He wanted to go hearing his best friends voice.

“Sure. Remember that one time Wilbur and Phil came home from town one day, Will being loud and obnoxious about his new guitar. We were like six and he came home with presents for everyone. He got you a–” Tubbo smiles, the memory coming to the forefront of his mind. 

**Tubbo_ went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Rocket Launcher by Technoblade**

——— 

“Boys! Wilbur and I are home and we come with gifts!” Phil shouts out into the the house. He smiles as he hears his sons barge down the stairs.

“What kind of gifts?” His youngest asks. Phil hands Tommy two music discs and tells him to be careful with them.

“Woah. Thank you so much dad.” He says awestruck. 

“Tubbo, here you go.” He hands his other young son a bee plush that he stares at from outside the shop every time he goes into town. The boy takes it with wide eyes, jumping up and down.

“Thank you so much!” He wraps his small arms around his dads leg.

“Techno! A new sword will be waiting for you on the stairs!” He yells.

“I’m down here for once, but thanks dad.” His oldest smiles. He tells his four boys to relax in the living room while he makes dinner.

“Wilbur play us a song!” Tommy yells. 

“Okay okay. What song?”

“Make something up.” Tubbo holds his bee plush close to him as he looks up at his older brother always fascinated by his musical abilities. 

“Here goes nothing.” Will strums a few chords before deciding on what song he wants to play. 

Phil looks through the kitchen into the living room, a fond smile on his face as he hears his son play the chords to Hallelujah. He loved watching his children be so happy and peaceful. It brought him immense amounts of joy and he knew nothing would ever change that. Phil gets back to cooking as he hears his son starts making up a song.

“I heard there was a special place, where men could go and emancipate, the brutality and the tyranny of their rulers. Well this place is real you needn’t fret, with Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, fuck Eret.” Phil laughs at the mention of Wilburs friend, “It’s a very big and not blown up L’manburg. My L’manburg, my L’manburg, my L’manburg, all together now,” Phil hears all his sons sing together, slightly cringing at the out of key singing,

“Our L’manburg.”

———

**Technoblade went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

**Ph1Lza went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took longer than i wanted because a) i was trying to finish this the day after the coup but like i broke down trying to process the fact that my country is a mess and b) i actually finished this yesterday, went to copy and paste it here only for me to accidentally delete the while thing. i had to go through the history of the word document to try and fine the longest version. it was like 2k works and the most recent save was at 1,070 and then it ended up at 3k something and i like this one a lot more so i guess it worked out in the end. !!LET ME KNOW IF YALL WANT A PART TWO WITH TOMMYS POV OF AFTER TUBBO DIED!!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy will do anything to make sure Tubbo didn’t die in vain. Anything. He was going to make his best friend proud if it was the last thing he’ll ever do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys for all the love and support on this. I hope you enjoy reading chapter 2 as i did writing it. also, i once again didnt edit before posting so ill fix that later

**Tubbo_ went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Rocket Launcher by Technoblade**

——— 

Tommy and Ranboo held a funeral for their friend. Technoblade, Dream and Phil weren’t allowed anywhere near, they had Niki made sure of it. They rebuilt his bee sanctuary where his first house was and laid him to rest surrounded by things he loved. Ranboo had managed to save Tubbos pet fox Squeeks and offered him to Tommy. Tommy took the leash willing off the next round of tears. 

Tommy had to stay strong. For Tubbo. His Tubbo.

Tommy couldn’t say he was surprised by how many people showed up. Tubbo had crawled his way into almost everyone’s heart. The boy was somehow always optimistic and smiling even when he had lost everything. Tommy didn’t know how he did it. 

“Tommy, would you like to say a few words?” Ghostbur asked him. Tommy nodded and slowly took his place at the podium. 

“Tubbo was my best friend. No matter how clingy he could get, I couldn’t get annoyed with him for it. He was so optimistic even during the times when he was left with nothing. I remember after L’manburg was blown up the first time, he had managed to smile and joke to bring everyone’s mood up. I remember after I had given my discs up for our freedom, he had tried his hardest to get replacements.”

“Tubbo was a very special person. He was always able to make something out of nothing. He had this charm that just made everyone around him feel at peace. He was a boy who trusted and forgave way too easily. He was my best friend who would sacrifice himself for me even if he thought I hated him. I could never hate him.”

“Maybe he was Hamilton this whole time. He was always dragging me along to work on projects and builds. He would laugh at every joke as if it were the funniest thing he had ever heard. Maybe that’s why he was so trusting and kind.”

“Tubbo deserved way more time than he got. I know this is a funeral, but we cant let Tubbo die in vain. This isn’t about L’manburg or the discs anymore. We need to take down the tyrants on this server. If we can’t agree on a reason why we should, then we should at least agree that we should do it for Tubbo. Tubbo would’ve wanted us to succeed, to live in peace without the fear of Techno or Dream looming over our shoulders.”

“Thank you everyone for attending the funeral. It means a lot to me and I know Tubbo would be happy to see us all together and united even if it was for something as sad as this. If anyone else would like to speak, feel free.” 

Tommy carefully pulled the discs out of his pocket and placed them in Tubbos coffin with him. His body hadn’t despawned after he died and it shook everyone to their core. Nobody seemed to be able to figure out why he hadn’t despawned, their only theory being that he can’t come back as a ghost because of it. 

“Tubbo, you were always worth more than the discs.” Tommy whispered before walking away.

———

“This is all your fault! How can you two even live with yourselves?”

——— 

“Can you tell me a story?” Tubbo asked. 

“Sure. Remember that one time Wilbur and Phil came home from town one day, Will being loud and obnoxious about his new guitar. We were like six and he came home with presents for everyone. He got you a bee plush and he got me my first discs.”

**Tubbo_ went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Rocket Launcher by Technoblade**

“Tubbo!” Sobs wracked Tommys body as Tubbos death message went off. Tommy wishes he could take every bad thing he said to his best friend back. He wishes that he would’ve listened every time Tubbo explained why he can and can’t do certain things. If only he had just let Tubbo _speak_ then maybe he would still be alive.

“Tommy, it’s gonna be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Here, have some blue.” Tommy felt arms wrap around him and saw the familiar grey hands shoving blue into his face.

He reached out for the blue and watched as it darkened to a midnight blue. He started crying even more when it didn’t alleviate any of his sadness. He still felt like his heart was being torn from his chest. (He briefly wondered if this is how Tubbo felt when he visited Logstedshire and all he saw was a pole.)

——— 

“You were supposed to love us! You were supposed to love us all equally and be there for us when we needed you and you weren’t! You were just off with Technoblade making sure he was okay when the rest of us were struggling.”

——— 

“No!” Tommy watched as the country he helped found was blown up by his brother. 

He looked over towards the button room and he saw their dad standing with Wilbur. God dammit, Tommy didn’t think that his brother would actually blow up their home. He promised that it would be okay as long as they got control of Manburg back. 

Tommy watched as his brother sobbed and asked for their dad to put him out of his misery. He couldn’t do anything but stand frozen in his spot.

“Kill me! Do it Phil. Kill me!”

“You’re my son!”

“Please dad. I’m so so tired. There isn’t anything left for me here. Please.”

**WilburSoot was slain by Ph1LzA**

“Wilbur! Phil!” Tommy watches as his dad (no, a dad wouldn’t have killed his son) kills his brother.

And Tommy is angry. He’s so angry because he hears Phil try to organize everybody so they can kill the withers Techno has spawned but doesn’t actually make a move to kill one himself. Tommy is angry because both of his older brothers are trying to blow up his nation, his and Tubbos only home. Family are supposed to protect and love each other, not destroy each other.

By the time all the withers are dead, Techno is gone and no one can find him. Techno needs to be brought to justice and if anyone will help them, it will be Phil. So Tommy walks up to Phil only to find him frantically look around.

“Hey dad, is there any chance you would he–” 

“Have you seen your older brother? He really needs me right now.” Phil interrupts his youngest son.

“But dad. I need your help too.”

“Whatever it is it’s going to have to wait. Techno isn’t well right now Tommy. Chat is messing with his head and he can’t control them right now.” 

“Phil! He blew up my home and tried to kill me and Tubbo! His two _younger_ siblings. What do you mean he needs your help more than us? We were literally traumatized from Schlatts reign, Wilburs insanity, and our home time and time again!”

“Uh huh. That’s great Tommy. I’ll talk to you later.” The new vice president stared has his father (could he even call him that anymore?) walked away, not even caring about what he’s been through.

——— 

_whisper from ghostbur: i’m almost in position. Just stall for a couple more minutes_

——— 

“Tubbo the disks, the disks were worth more than you ever were.”

Tommy froze as the words came out of his mouth. It felt like a bucket of ice cold water had been thrown on him as he saw his best friends dejected face. He didn’t dare turn back and look at Tubbo after he threw Your Tubbo at him after the hostage situation. This time though, he couldn’t not stare as his best friends eyes looked empty. 

“What? Huh?” Tubbo looked so confused and Tommy wanted to slam his head into a wall.

Tommy had made it his mission to make sure his peaceful best friend never got hurt. The shorter of the two had been through so much since they moved to Dreams land. Sure Tubbo had done things that hurt him, but looking back on it Tommy realized he was just being a president. Presidents had to put their country before individuals and Tommy hates that he didn’t realize this sooner.

“Just…give him the disc.” He felt defeated.

“You want me to give Dream the disc?”

“I’m not..what have I become?”

“You’ve heard him. He realized he needs to pay.” Dream spoke up.

“Oh shut up.” Both boys yelled at the man who had destroyed their nation once before.

Tommy watched as his discs were handed over to Dream. His heart seizes as the green man put mellohi into his ender chest. He wonders if this is how Connor felt when he was being held hostage.

“Tubbo, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” 

“I’ve become worse than everyone I didn’t want to be.” Tommy looked between his two brothers before looking at Technoblade, “I’m with Tubbo.” 

“Heh? Tommy when I said that I’m going to destroy L’manburg and that you don’t have to help me I meant that you could sit it out, not join the other side!” Techno yelled. “This is why dad chooses me over you. At least I know that real family sticks together.” 

“You know what Technoblade? Fuck you.” Tommy lunged for him but was held back by small hands. Tubbo.

Later that night, he climbs onto Jack’s room and thinks about how he saw Phil looking on from one of the platforms of the mlg tower. He thinks about how he almost seemed to enjoy all his sons fighting each other even if two of them, the youngest of them, were on their last lives. It made him want to puke. 

Tommy walks around the perimeter of the roof when he sees two figures on top of Tubbos dock house. They’re laying down and looking at the stars. He can’t tell if they’re laughing or crying but he can tell that its Tubbo and Ranboo. He really needs to thank Ranboo for being there for Tubbo when he couldn’t be. 

At some point during the night Tommy comes to a big realization. The only power the discs hold are the power he gives them. He could make Dream powerless by choosing to move on from them. He realizes that you can make attachments to thing other than objects. He realizes that after everything that’s happened with Phil that maybe he shouldn’t place so much value on the discs but on the people who he’s become friends with. Sure it may take a while for him to get over the original discs Phil gave him, but he could always buy new ones. Tubbo did have a massive amount of emeralds. 

Tommy stares at the horizon as the sun begins to rise. He was wrong when he said he didn’t need Tubbo. Tommy needed Tubbo like you need air to breathe. He hopes they both make it out of the war okay. He hopes they can talk everything out and work on becoming better friends. 

——— 

“This is all your fault! How can you two even live with yourselves?” Tommy shouts at Techno and Phil. 

The rest of their group was busy fighting more withers (why was it always withers) while Tommy and Ghostbur dealt with Phil and Techno. He could stick to the plan. For Tubbo. Tubbo who wouldn’t want any blood on his hands from killing his own family. For Ghostbur who wanted nothing more than to kill their dad who never loved them as much as he did Techno.

“You were supposed to love us! You were supposed to love us all equally and be there for us when we needed you and you weren’t! You were just off with Technoblade making sure he was okay when the rest of us were struggling.”

_whisper from ghostbur: i’m almost in position. just stall for a couple more minutes_

Tommy looked down and saw the message from his brother (ghostbur would always be his brother) before turning back to Phil and Techno.

“Tubbo went through so much abuse under Schlatt. We both tried to contact you, but all we got was radio silence in return. Yet as soon as Technoblade needs help, you come running? I don’t know what kind of fucked up mental gymnastics you have to do to justify it, but let me just tell you, its fucking bullshit.”

“You are no longer my father Phil. Ghostbur has been more of a father to me these last few month than you ever have. And you Techno? What kind of sick fuck are you that you took advantage of my broken mental state to try and turn me against my best friend just because he was a president. I get that you hate the government, but Tubbo wasn’t even a tyrant. He was fair and he was just. He was the best president L’manburg ever had.”

“Speaking of Tubbo, just thought I’d let you know he wasn’t able to come back as a ghost and none of us know why. Maybe it was because he was at peace when he died knowing it wouldn’t be in vain or maybe its because this world knew he was too good and too pure to be sent back here as a ghost. I just wish he was able to come back so he could kill the two people who did him so wrong, but I guess a vengeful Ghostbur will do.” Tommy saw his brother on the roof of Techos house give him the signal. 

Tommy gave one last look at his old family before nodding at Ghostbur, the ghost firing two shots. One aimed at Phils chest, the other at Technos stomach. Tommy walked up to the two dying men, leaning down to be eye level with them, Ghostbur floating right behind him.

“Today’s lesson is that you two will never be my family. Family doesn’t try to teach each other lessons by blowing up countries or killing each other. Families help each other and are always there for each other. We were all houses on fire and you only focused on one while the rest of us burned.”

“I hope you both rot in hell.” Ghostbur says as he raises Chekhov’s gun once more, firing the fatal blows.

**Technoblade went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

**Ph1Lza went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

Tommy watches as the last of the withers are killed, everyone cheering in victory. He turns back to the two dead men in time to watch their bodies despawn, their gear being the last physical things of them left in the world. 

He felt numb as Ghostbur shot them, his body pumping with adrenaline. Now he just felt like crying. So Tommy fell to the ground as he let himself cry. He felt two ghost arms wrap around him and he cried into his brothers sweater. He didn’t want to be sad over this but at one point in time he considered Phil and Techno family. 

“Hey Tommy?”

“Yeah Ghostbur?” Tommy looked up when he had calmed down a little bit. He saw Ranboo standing a little behind Ghostbur watching the two and making sure they were okay.

“I think…I think I’ve completed whatever it was that holding me here as a ghost.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m really happy for you. I know coming back as ghost was really hard on you. Take care of Tubbo for me okay?” Tommy hugged his slowly evaporating brother.

“Of course. Take care of yourself as well Toms.” 

Tommy walked over to Ranboo, pulling him into a brotherly hug as they watched Wilbur wave a final goodbye. At the end of the day, they didn’t know why some people came back as ghosts and why some people didn’t. Mexican Dream hadn’t reappeared as a ghost even though the man had so much unfinished business. Schlatt had returned as a ghost even though he didn’t want to come back and he thought he had finished everything he needed, wanted.

The two found brothers turned towards the rest of their friends, walking over and joining in the celebrations. Yeah Tommy had lost all of his original found family, but he was happy with his new one as well. He knew that Tubbo and Wilbur were celebrating with them wherever they were and that’s all that mattered.

——— 

“Tubbo!”

“Tommy!” 

The two boys ran towards each other and wrapped each other in a tight embrace.

“Welcome home you little gremlin child.” Tommy looked up from Tubbos shoulder.

“Will!!” Tommy pulled Wilbur into their little family hug.

“Oh god. Now I’m technically the youngest.” Tubbo pouted when they all let go.

They were all in their L’manburg uniforms looking as young as they were when they created their great nation. 

“Wait, that means I’m technically older than you now Wilbur.” 

“Like hell you are.” Wilbur nudged Tommy.

The three brothers laughed as they walked into the rest of forever together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again thank you guys so much for the love and support on this. i haven’t posted any fics on any website since like 2013/2014 so this has been amazing. I had so much fun writing this because i haven’t written anything from tommys pov before and i wanted to experiment with a side of tommy we dont get to see much. finally, if you want to read more content from me, subscribe to me on here :) i have some more super angsty fics and some happy ones coming soon. i also want to do a reader prompt book if you guys would be interested.


	3. the art of not knowing (but knowing all the same)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its a battle between the heart and the mind, Phils sanity decreasing with each passing moment. In a battle between the heart and the mind, both are bound to lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know the drill lmao not proof read
> 
> anyways, saturday is close enough to friday. in some parts of the world its only a few hours past friday so yeee

Phil feels sick to his stomach. He can feel the bile rising in his throat, begging for release. 

——— 

“Kill me Phil! Do it! Kill me!” Wilbur begged, pleaded. 

“You’re my son!” There was no way that Phil would be killing his son.

Phil crouched down to his sons level, pulling him into a hug. He had to get Wil out of here and back home so he could heal. It was obvious his mental state had deteriorated since being exiled. How he was exiled out of his own nation, Phil still didn’t know, but he was going to do everything he could to help his son.

“Please dad, I’m so tired. There isn’t anything left for me here. Please.” Wilbur sobbed into his shirt.

Phil was so conflicted, his entire being wanting to save Wil, but Wilburs please for death started to really get to his head. His son wanted him to take his last life away and what kind of father would he be if he didn’t give that to him? What kind of father would he be if he did. 

Out of nowhere, a third voice joined the two conflicting ones. It seemed louder than the other two, telling him, no commanding him, to shove the sword through Wilburs back. It was practically _begging_ him to. As much as he tried to drown out this new voice, it just kept getting stronger, louder, harder to fight off. 

**WilburSoot was slain by Ph1LzA**

**_good good. now we must find our other son, the older one. he can help us_ **

Phil takes one last look at his dying son before grabbing his gear and suiting up. He looked around for Technoblade and saw him lecturing Tommy.

“You want to be a hero Tommy? Then die like one!” Techno yelled at the young blonde, placing the final wither skull on the base of the wither. 

Everyone around the two was pushed back by the blast that brought the creature to life. Phil knows that the only way he could get to his son was if they killed all the withers before he could run. He carefully instructed everyone on the most efficient way of taking the monsters down while being on active lookout for Techno, the man getting lost in the fray.

By the time all the withers were taken down, he couldn’t see Techno anywhere. Now he would have to scour the smp for him which could take ages.

**_don’t worry. i’ll help you find him. just keep the young ones off our trail. we can’t have them interfere with the plans_ **

Phil was confused about what the voice meant but he had this instinct to follow it. So he let Tommy down, let him think he didn’t care, before going and chasing after the wanted man. It hurt like hell watching his sons face drop, but the feeling went away seconds later, the voice praising him for his good work.

——— 

Phil doesn’t know how it happened, the last few months a complete blur in his mind.

——— 

**_we need to teach him a lesson. it’s obvious that the government has corrupted him, phil. he’s a tyrant, just look at him. he put you on house arrest and tried to kill our saviour._ **

The voice grew stronger as time passed, whispering nothing but facts into the mans ear. Phil always thanked the voice for showing him what no one else could see, only him and Techno. It was obvious in the way Tubbo carried himself that he was on a power trip. There is no way someone as young and impressionable as Tubbo wouldn’t succumb to the tyranny that power gives elected officials.

Phil made sure that Tubbo knew he was no longer his father. He made it quite clear in harsh looks, pats on the back that would leave bruises and turning his back when he came to him for advice. His biggest accomplishment was planting the seed in Tubbos head that he was the one who caused the death of his youngest son, playing up the grieving dad act and saying there was no one else to blame but the young president. 

He watched as Tubbos resolve and will to live was stomped on everyday, if not by him then by others. Dream was a great help, always backing the young president into corners that were impossible to get out of, angering his cabinet and citizens. Phil felt some sense of pride every time the boy looked to him only to quickly look away, remembering that he wasn’t wanted by him anymore. 

**_you’re doing so well my friend. he will thank you for this one day_ **

Phil always smiled when the voice reassured him that what he was doing was right. Sometimes he had moments where he felt like he was being a horrible father, nights where he heard Tubbo screaming and crying from nightmares, his heart shattering at the sound of his son in pain, but the voices always assured him that Tubbo was okay, that this was necessary. 

Phils mind and heart were at a constant battle.

———

Something inside of Phil shatters.

——— 

**_we need to get moving before someone sees us_ **

Phil gathers all the resources they need before heading over to the community house. He felt bad, this house being the beginning of the world, a place where people could go and find peace, but the voices said it was necessary. The voices were never wrong. He tried going against them once and learnt the hard way that it was not a good idea. Sometimes the static comes back as his heart tries to overpower his mind, making his ears ring and the voices yell.

He carefully placed pieces of tnt around the community house, making sure it would blow the house up but not everything around it. When he deemed the amount of tnt placed enough, he threw a pearl to the mlg tower, finding his balance before grabbing his flame bow and shooting at one of the pieces.

The community house was laid to rest in a beautiful explosion. 

When Dream showed the members of L’manburg the blown up house, he immediately blamed Tommy. 

**_perfect. theyre just where we want them_ **, the voices praised Phil. 

He watched as his boys fought, laughing at the chaos he caused. 

“Tubbo the discs, the discs were worth more than you ever were!” He laughed as Tommy broke Tubbo, pulled that final straw that kept the bee loving boy going. Phil cheered to himself as Dream tore the boy down even more. 

“This is why dad chooses me over you. At least I know that real family sticks together.”

“You know what Technoblade? Fuck you.” 

Phil is only a little disappointed when Tubbo hold Tommy back from lunging at his brother.

 **_theres always tomorrow_ ** the voice assures.

Phil is all smiles and skips as he heads towards L’manburg to build the tnt machine that he, Techno and Dream talked about. He spent most of the night on his creation, taking a few hours to hunt down some wither skeletons for more skulls. There could never be enough explosions for this lesson.

“i’m choosing what I fight for now, and I’m gonna destroy the government Tommy. You all die. It’s gone.” Techno yells as he holds out his rocket launcher, Phil laughing and egging him on.

Phil thanked Tubbo for making Technos job so easy. Of course he would take a bullet for Tommy. Its all so perfectly laid out as he yells at Techno to finish the job, to take out Tommy as well. The only way for the people of this smp to realize how detrimental government is, is if they kill the last two figureheads of L’manburg.

When the two manage to escape with the help of Ranboo, Phil makes his displeasure known, throwing himself at Techno in a blind rage.

He wakes up tied to a chair in the middle of what was once Tommys home next to Technos.

——— 

The last thing he fully remembers, zero static or voices in his head, was when he was called to help his sons. 

——— 

Phil was relaxing, having just finished completing his nether void a few days ago, before figuring a new project to work on. He heard a lot from Tubbo about his and Sams guardian farm and he wanted to do one himself after getting ample rest. He was making sure all of his tools were fully repaired when he heard his front door slam opened.

Phil quickly grabbed his sword before carefully maneuvering his way to the door. No one should be able to get into his world. Even his own sons weren’t able to access it, the world being Phils getaway from the chaos. 

“Phil?”

And how the hell was Dream of all people able to get into his world?

With his guard still up, hand wrapped tightly around his weapon, Phil rounded the corner seeing the man looking around frantically. Phil prepared for the worst. 

“Dream? What’s wrong?”

“Its Wilbur. He’s gone insane. He and Techno are leading Tubbo and Tommy into a coup against the government and theyre both on their last life in my world. They need your help.”

How had none of his boys thought to contact him? They knew that if they ever needed any sort of help, all they had to do was ask and he would be there in an instant. What went so wrong that they didn’t reach out to him? 

Then it hit him.

Wilbur was attempting a coup meaning there was a high chance he was no longer apart of the government of his own country. 

“Will any of my items come with me?” Phil asked. Dream shook his head causing Phil to sigh.

“We have to get going Phil. We don’t have much time before things get messy.” The younger motions for Phil to follow him and the frantic father quickly caught up with him,

“Is Wil on his last life?”

“Yes, he is. If you want to save him we have to go, now.”

The two reached the portal and Phil went straight through, no questions asked. He needed to save his kids.

——— 

Phil doesn’t know how it happened, the last few months a complete blur in his mind. He couldn’t piece anything together and it was driving him insane as he was crouched in the snow, holding his wound. The last thing he fully remembers, zero static or voices in his head, was when he was called to help his sons. He looked to Technoblade at his side, his oldest son smirking at his youngest as if he were challenging him to finish the job. Phil feels sick to his stomach. He can feel the bile rising in his throat, begging for release.

“Today’s lesson is that you two will never be my family. Family doesn’t try to teach each other lessons by blowing up countries or killing each other. Families help each other and are always there for each other. We were all houses on fire and you only focused on one while the rest of us burned.” Something inside of Phil shatters. Tommy looked him dead in the eyes, his youngest reduced to a ball of pent up anger and hurt.

Phil looked around at all the chaos, a group of people fighting withers he presumed he and Techno had set off. Where was Tubbo? His two youngest were always attached at the hip, so where was he? Was he injured and kept away from the fight? Phil was so confused and all he wanted were answers but Tommy was so focused on yelling at them, telling them off. He was absolutely horrified when he heard his son recount things Phil doesn’t even remember. How had he let this happen? What overtook him that he did such treacherous things to his children.

“I hope you both rot in hell.” A pale ghostly figure of Wilbur (he recalls Tommy calling him Ghostbur) says as he raises his gun, firing the fatal blows. Phil racks his memory trying to figure out when Wilbur every died.

**Technoblade went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

**Ph1Lza went off with a bang due to a firework fired from Chekhov’s Gun by Ghostbur**

Phil wakes up to a blinding white light, looking around and trying to grasp his bearings. He doesn’t recognize where he is, but he is alone. He stands up and checks over himself only to find no wounds or scars on his body.

When he hears two people laughing and cheering, he quickly looks around too see if whoever was near him was a threat. Instead of a threat, he finds his two middle children running towards each other in a hug. Had Tubbo died? Was he dead as well?

“Tubbo?” Phil calls out, walking towards the pair.

The two immediately stop their celebrations (were they celebrating his presumed death?) and looked towards them, Wilbur trying to shield Tubbo from Phils sight. Had he messed up with Tubbo as well?

“Phil?” He peeked out form behind Wilbur.

“I…how did you get here?”

“You don’t remember?” Tubbo fully steps away from Wilbur, arms wrapped securely around himself.

“Remember what?” Suddenly Tubbo goes from looking fine in his L’manburg uniform to being scared and bruised in a presidents suit that looked similar to the one Wilbur was wearing.

There were burn marks all over his face and his arms were wrapped in bandages. His hair was longer than he had ever seen it, the bags under his eyes prominent on his pale skin. To top it all off, right where his heart should be, was an explosion of colour. Red, back and white flames surrounded the boy for a second before everything faded, Tubbo looking like the loveable kid he was.

Phil looked at Wilbur only to find the man glaring back at him, opening his mouth to speak, “you did this Phil. You encouraged this and broke him.”

No, Phil wouldn’t ever do that. He looked up to see Tubbo nodding along with what Wil was saying and he went to ask them more questions when they disappeared. 

“They’re right you know.” Technoblade.

Phil whipped around to see his oldest son staring back at him.

“You may not have killed Tubbo, but you definitely got mad when I didn’t take the chance to kill Tommy as well. It’s okay though. It wasn’t entirely your fault.” Techno slung an arm over his confused father.

“Don’t worry, we have all the time in the world to discuss it.” He reassured Phil.

Phil nodded, looking once more at where two of his sons once stood, before turning away and not looking back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was extremely difficult to write because i wasn’t going off streams or characters that they creators have developed. plus i dont even really watch phils dsmp stuff so i have no idea what hes done with his character. i have so many drafts of the whole chapter, to drafts of just specific parts trying to piece this thing together and honestly i loved the challenge.
> 
> i’ve had the idea for a while now that phil isn’t all there in the dsmp plot because he’s obviously not the dadza we all know and love in that timeline. i thought this was the perfect place to let that head canon live out because it fits so well with what’s happened in my own little verse. 
> 
> sorry about the fake update, i was reading through this and realized i didnt insert one of the flashbacks so oops. dont hate me thanks :)
> 
> there is one part left (i literally started writing it in the middle of this because this chapter was frustrating the hell out of me) and i wont tell you who it is, but feel free to guess.


End file.
